鹹魚復活記—從「勞動階級大學生求學經驗的探究」變形到「我的生命敘說」

Abstract

回顧我過往的求學經驗，是一段追尋主流認同與不斷自我衝突的過程，然而在學術的世界致力於攻讀學位、追求所謂主流認同的同時，我卻深深被「米蟲焦慮」所問擾，我想整理過往求學經驗以及解開米蟲焦慮之謎，於是開啟了本研究。 這是一趟尋找同伴、追求歸屬感的旅程，也是尋找有關who I am？此問題答案的旅程。在這旅程中，同時對家庭經驗、學校教育經驗與自我進行再定義，希望能透過這些再定義的過程，改寫自身生命過去、現在、未來的劇本，許自己一個充滿生命力與希望的未來。 本研究採質性研究方法中的敘說探究法(Narrative Inquiry)，以回溯的方式具體反省與觀看自己與受訪者的生命故事，為了增加研究資料的豐富性，本研究兼採深度訪談作為資料蒐集方法，以及文件分析法來進行資料的蒐集與分析。 這一本論文，我是以「一尾不知是否可以翻身的鹹魚」的自我定義出發，敘述我透過就讀碩士班、撰寫論文、論文轉向的歷程中，如何一再打破研究的視框、重新定義自己的家庭經驗以及學校教育經驗，進而在自我生命敘說的過程中，重新定義自己、找回生命力以及對未來人生的希望，最終變成一尾「活跳跳的百變鹹魚」，悠游在人生之海中。希望能藉由呈現論文轉向的歷程，鼓舞正在鉅型敘事/量化研究典範與敘說探究/質性研究典範的邊界上掙扎的論文生產者；也希望能透過呈現我自己如何重生的歷程，來鼓舞和我一樣在生命旅途中迷路、迷失的每一位生命。

As I look back on my experience of education, I see it is a process both of identifying myself with the majority and of encountering conflicts. However, the process has always been accompanied by the anxiety of having to depend on my family instead of being self-supporting. This journey began in order to sort out this anxiety and with it my own identity. On one hand, it is a journey in search of my companions and a sense of belonging; on the other hand, it is journey to answer the motif in my life, ‘who am I?’ The voyage leads me to two directions: one is re-defining what has happened to me in family and schools, while the other is aspiring to have a better future by looking back and pondering on the past. This research is conducted by the qualitative method of narrative inquiry. Two main methods are selected in this dissertation; one is focusing on the facts and reflecting on the interviewees’ and the researcher’s life stories by narration, while the other one is collecting and analysing the material from deep interviews and document analysis for the sake of enriching this abundant text. The self identification in this dissertation started with this image, ‘Salted fish wondering about being emancipated’. Nevertheless, once the researcher tackles the tangled life experiences in family and schools by confronting, re-defining, and sharing them, consequently the process responds back to the researcher, showing the way to a brave new world in the future. Apart from my own benefits from the story, I also hope this story can inspire and encourage other ‘dissertation’ producers who find themselves struggling to fit their study into the conventional dichotomy of social science and vacillating between quantitative and qualitative methodology. Moreover, I wish this story of my own will light up the pavement for people who are lost in their academic career or even their lives. Key words: Narrative Inquiry, self-narration, labouring class, life story, family experiences, schooling experiences, identification, self-definition