繭-一段尋求蛻變的生命故事

Abstract

本論文之目的為研究者欲對個人身在多重女性角色中，多年來努力的經營人生的舞台，卻面臨失去掌聲所產生的困惑；透過敘說探究的研究方法，回溯自己的生命歷程，重新「看見」、「反思」與「釐清」自己心中的繭。 透過批判社會學觀點，從「醜小鴨」的兒時與求學經歷至「天鵝」的教書歷程來探究「我是誰？」進而察覺內心被自己所認同的主流文化框架所束縛，經由文獻的探討與同學的對話，看到自己「我是為你好」外表權威卻內心自卑的一面；靈性成長課程中，學習與內心對話，發現三十幾年來被「害怕」與「求愛」引導著我的生命模式，雖然渴望得到他人尤其是權威者的認同，卻因為害怕只能躲在幕後做事；加上心理學的研讀，我開始學習支持與接納每個人生命的獨特性。 透過這段改變框架、解構與再建構的歷程，更多的理解與認同所孳生的愛，讓我接納了內心深層那個羞怯又好勝的自己，對他人有著更多的尊重與感謝，產生一種自信又愉悅的感受，在人生舞台上繼續扮演我的多重角色。

The paper was based upon the personal narrative of the author and the reflection upon these multiple woman roles. After operating these roles in the stage of my life very hard for many years, I felt confused when losing the applause. The questions lingered in my mind. "What exactly happens?" Through the process of self- narrative , I could renew my strength for action, which made me "discovering" and "clarifying" the cocoon of my heart. Through the point of critical sociology, I explored "Who am I "from "ugly duckling" childhood and study experiences to "Swan" teaching processes. I felt bound by the recognized mainstream culture framework. To study the literature and the dialogue with the students, I perceived the external authority of myself but the inferiority of my inner side. Through spiritual curriculum, learning to dialogue with my inner, I found that "fearfulness" and "courtship" had guided my life model over thirty years. Although I was eager to other's applause, but I often had to work behind the scenes because of fear. Through the study of psychology, I learned to accept and support the unique of each person's life. I had gone through this process of deconstruction and reconstructed the framework of my inner .I got more understanding to seek love and accepted myself. With the feelings of pleasure, I will continue playing my multiple roles in my stage of life.