迷路的大肚魚-一位女研究生的自我追尋之旅

Abstract

本文研製之目的，在於傳遞一種非主流的聲音，以及呈現一種跳脫框架的生命敘事探究。 這是一個迷失與追尋的故事。 來自勞工階級、單親家庭、技職體系的我，一腳踩進了菁英大學的研究所裡，訝異於自身的與眾不同，在異同的衝突中，我感到自卑、挫折，覺得自己踩進了一個不屬我的世界，我對自己的存在價值產生懷疑與迷惘，在去留間掙扎。 掙扎之際，卻在教育社會學中，看見了一連串衝突、不協調的因，也看見了自己的社會定位，原來，我是所謂「非主流」、「劣（弱）勢」的一方。 我不甘於被屈就簡單的分類法則，不願屈就於標籤歸類，我選擇留在這場域裡頭，為自己發聲，試圖扭轉社會所加諸的束縛。我想要做自己，除了社會的定位之外，我企圖尋找生命的定位，一個讓我安在的定位。 我回顧並梳理過往生命經驗，在複雜且充滿迷惘不安的成長經歷裡，有意識地覺察與體認，是怎樣的一個過程形塑了今日的我。透過過去與現在經驗的對映，以及靈修經驗的協助，讓我更深刻也更敏銳地觀照自己，覺知自己的狀態，並以正面、充滿生命力、且更為柔軟自在的姿態，面對生命裡大大小小的課題與挑戰。 這是我生命裡的一小段故事，卻也是社會（或教育體系）的一面小鏡子，映照出社會粗淺化約的標籤歸類規則，映照出教育體制切割與同化的過程，我抗拒被同化與歸順所謂的「主流」價值，也不想符應「非主流」的標籤，而能在二分法之外，走出自己的路。

A procedure is A procedure is a story about one’s missing and finding herself. I, coming of working class, single family and vocational school entered a graduate school of top university while I was surprised at my different background with my classmates. Encountering many conflicts with them, I felt self-abased and frustrated. It is not my world. I doubted and confused with my existence value while struggling to leave or to stay. While struggling, I have seen reasons of conflicts and incongruity in educational sociology. Also, I found my social position, that is, I belong to so-called non-mainstream and minority group. I am not willing to be categorized or labeled by simple classification rule. I decided to stay in the field because I want to voice for myself and try to escape from the trip made by society. Be myself! In addition, I intend to find a safe position for my whole life. By reviewing and integrating my past life experience, complex and confusing growing process, I consciously observed and understood what kind of process shaped me. Through mirroring past and present experience and helps of spiritual growth experience, I intensely and sensitively mirror myself, understand my situation and face every subject and challenge in my life with a positive, active and soft way. This is not only a little part of my life story but a small mirror of society or education system. By mirroring these labeled classification rules in society and the process of separation and assimilation in education system, I resist to be assimilated into so-called mainstream value and to correspond to the label of non-mainstream value. I am trying to do myself in two way classification.